Champ Car Fantasy Racing Grid

[GM99]

PRESS RELEASE: TEAM CANADA

Team Canada wishes to annouce a second team to compete in this years championship. Sponsored by Molsons and Air Canada
Team Name: Team Canada II
Drivers:
Alex Tagliani
Kenny Brack
- may be replaced by Scott Goodyear or Lee Bentham
at later date.
Engine: Toyota
Chassis: Lola
Media Relations: William Shatner
Owners: GM99/WAYNE GRETZKY/JIM CARREY

Media relations: Claude Bourbonnais

[Liz]

FROM THE RACE COMMISSIONER'S OFFICE
=============================================

The Race Commissioner reminds all Team Principals that each may run only oneteam on the grid. The purpose of this rule is to give everyone a chance to participate and to keep the grids manageable.

Thank you.

Marcel "Le Sang Chaud" Beauvais
pour Le Commissionaire du Cours

[GM99]

PRESS RELEASE: TEAM CANADA

Due to lack of sponsorship from Air Canada (government cutbacks) Team Canada II will be dispanded.

Willian Shatner has agreed to come over to Team Canada as Team Captain to push on the drivers, we're expecting to hear the comments "but captain, we can't push it any faster"

Jim Carrey has been brought on as comedic therapy, due to the long intense season, he will be greatly needed.

Media Relations: Claude Bourbonnais

[senna12]

WESCAN RACING press officer I.M. Sorry announced today that spring testing has begun in earnest, but due to somewhat frosty relationships between drivers, the team is spread out across North America. Team principles have no intention, or budget, to continue this practice indefinitely, and will invoke the technical information sharing agreement to bring the team together in February for dinner at the local Hooters, followed by peelers at the Marble Arch club downtown.
The team also reports the modification of its website on a regular basis with updates and further elements as they are allowed to be uploaded!! This site will also include WESCAN'S upcoming F1 challenge team when that season begins, as well as any other interesting racing happenings, provided anyone in the team has the time to post it. The page can be reached at;

http://www.wescanracing.homestead.com/wescanracing.html

[SL]

*** N E W S F L A S H ***

Last Minute Racing have agreed that Vinnie Jones did in fact play for Millwall Football Club at least once. He has now assumed the role of press officer, team manager, team liasion & rule interpreter.

Vinnie has always been popular with the UK press since his ball control photo with Paul Gasgoinge, so we hope that he can continue this effect with other teams.

Luigi has confirmed that his horse racing stable is now available. He has available now several horses, currently with heads, for sale.

Lasta Minute Racing

[bella]

team dangerous wishes to express their horror at their new chassis for this season. half the team fainted, and maureen screamed 'won't somebody think of the children?' while team dangerous are assured it really is very fast, and will beat all the competition, team style expert alex tagliani has cast doubts over its class. team boss bella said 'it's been beaten with the ugly stick! what the hell happened?' she also said something similar about her first driver's new hairstyle, and has made sure he looks in a mirror more than once a month.

of course, we will beat you all. helio says so.

OFFICIAL JOBBY
bella wishes to clarify the team orders. there are none. however, for scoring purposes, the drivers will be listed as follows.
1. helio castroneves
2. christian fittipaldi
3. nicolas minassian.

no egos have been damaged, although nicolas needed a pat on the back, and a 'there, there. it's not so bad' from the team boss.

TEAM DANGEROUS
you are the weakest link....goodbye'

[Liz]

Changes noted. If Vinnie (currently employed by Wescan) needs a night job, I think BAR(f) is looking for a chief Spin Doctor and Escuse Finder ...

[senna12]

The principals of Wescan Racing, being of sound mind, body, and Western Canadian to boot, have no idea who this "Vinnie" fellow is, let alone have this somewhat deranged?? fellow in the teams employ. The team has enough ego problems without the presence of people about which we poor Canadians know nothing. So was "Vinnie" a mafioso, or something? Anyhoo, the team is reporting that testing is progressing well, machinery is not being destroyed, and the sponsors are happy with progress so far. Further updates will follow the minute one of our drivers stuffs it into the barriers!!

[SL]

Urgent Press Release

Vinnie is under sole contract to LAST MINUTE RACING.

Vinnie is a Welsh footballer come actor (Lock, Stock & 2 Smoking Barrels). Famous for being a little over playfull with other teams, he has the dubious honour of being booked for a foul after just 5 seconds of a match start.
http://yoshi.webvis.net/portfolio/ar..._football.html

Half way down the page is a good photo of Vinnie (Left) having the complete and undivided attention of Paul Gasgoigne (Right with mouth open). Pictured during an English football match.

Last Minute Racing

[Liz]

The Race Commissioner's apologies for mixing up Vinnie's employer. We have no wish to offend anyone whose employer's name ends in a vowel.

[Absalom]

OK - Liz, since I'm writing about racing, I guess I have no choice but to enter a team...Here we go...

---PRESS RELEASE---

TEAM SQUABBLE announces starting lineup for 2001 season

TORONTO (AP) - Long-time racing enthusiast and eccentric billionaire MONTE PONTY has announced that he will be fielding a team as part of the FedEx Championship Auto Racing Teams series for 2001.

At an exclusive press conference at the Royal York hotel, Ponty unveiled the new team, which will feature senior drivers MICHAEL ANDRETTI and PAUL TRACY as teammates, driving HONDA-powered REYNARD chassis.

Two different liveries were unveiled at the press conference - Paul's car will have a predominantly bleach-blonde colour, with circular black marks down the left side. Michael's car will be coloured a yet-to-be-agreed-upon shade of whine.

Ponty announced that he had reached a deal with Bobby Rahal to have Mark Handford spend 4 hours each day performing race engineering for the team. When asked to comment on the "farming out" of some of Handford's cretive energies at the recent Jaguar R2 Launch Party, Jaguar Racing President Bobby Rahal replied, "Yeah, sure, it's 4 hours - but not in a ROW. Besides, I don't know how much good he'll do for them - The last big thing he did for CART was to slow the cars down! Now 'scuse me, I've got another call from Gary - He's crying again, begging for his job back."

Michael's car will be sponsored by "Bob's Stereo Shop & Bait Store," located just off route 9 on the outskirts of Valdosta, Georgia. Paul's main sponsor will be "Tex & Edna's Organ Emporium."

During the press conference, Paul was asked how he felt being teammate to long-time nemesis Michael Andretti. His response was cut short when Andretti threw his jug of ice water at Tracy. A melee ensued, and hotel security had to be called to pry the two drivers apart.

When asked if he thought this "disharmony" between the drivers was a sign of things to come, Ponty simply replied, "What disharmony? They are true competitors, and professionals - I am sure they would never take this hatred of each other out onto the racetrack."

One of Ponty's unusual strategies for next season is to only have a single pit crew for both teams. The plan is to have the pit crew service the leading car first, in every instance. "That way," he says, "each driver will be even more motivated to be faster than the other one." When asked to comment on this "unusual" strategy borrowed from the pages of Formula 1, Paul Tracy spit in Michael Andretti's face, and the two had to (once again) be restrained by hotel security.

It promises to be a lively season at TEAM SQUABBLE. Official Team Press Agent RICHARD PETTY (No, not the same guy) will be providing updates throughout the season. Stay tuned...

[Absalom]

TORONTO (AP) - Richard Petty, press officer for Team Squabble, issued the following statement:

"We would like to, forthwith and heretofore, apologise to Team Aggression Maximisation (herinafter referred to as TAM) for having the incredibly intelligent foresight and wisdom to pick both Paul Tracy and Michael Andretti as drivers. This oversight was produced by the fact that our idiot owner Monte Ponty didn't bother to read all of the other posts in the newsgroup before waving his billfold at the drivers.

"How to overcome this quandry remains a mystery to us, but I can assure you that we are NOT planning to give Michael any more LSD - He seems to prefer hydroponically-grown marijuana - and Paul keeps mumbling something about "they're out to get me" from his padded "suite."

I would suggest that we both select a third driver, as I am certain that our (shared) drivers will, unfortunately, not spend time in the points at each and every race. This would seem the most reasonable thing to do...

So, I would like to announce that we have employed Bruno Junquiera as our third driver. His car will be painted pink (it's the only colour we could find on sale at Home Depot). Please advise who your third driver is, so that we don't all wind up in a tizzy thinking that we have both defeated the Babe and won the championship (I mean, really - do you actually think Roger Penske is going to spend any more time than he actually has to on this team? His company is in the TOILET!)...ahem...

I understand Tora Takagi is racing in CART this year...

Richard Petty
Official Press Officer (and whatnot)
Team Squabble

"You wanna go?!?"

[hoffy]

*press release*

Mallala, South Australia, Team Hoffspeed today conducted its first test of the 2001 season, using an interim chassis.
'Due to the high demand of the new Lola chassis, we have had to come up with an interim chassis so at least we could get some practice in' said team principle, Nick Hoff.
' What we've come up with is a '74 nimbus Fvee Chassis, coupled with a 250cu ford motor. It was quite a challange to get the inline 6 behind a Vee, but with some pushing and shoving we finally got it to fit.' When asked why did he use a motor from a 1979 XD Ford Falcon, Mr Hoff responded, 'well, every one told me that the Ford XD motor was the unit to have in Champ cars, so I thought bonus, I should pick up with of those for $200.

After his first drive, Dario was less enthusiastic. 'Hoots Mon, What have Eye got merself into. Eye the car was a real pig, what with those skinny tyres and that big luump of cast iron hanggen 3 feet orf the back orf the car.' Mr Francitti walked off in disgust, mumbling somthing about Jaguar and wishing he'd done better.

Testing will resume tomorrow, or when the pub closes.

media liason
Ima Fullaschmidt

[Airhead]

Press Release: Team Agression Maximisation.

While the cat is away the mice will play. Or some such semi literate rot!

The principal of TAM has been monitoring this site to seek quick and painful vengance on anyone silly enough to try to dupplicate our (soon to be) winning formula. We do not deal in legal procedures but instead make untidy accidents happen to those who cross us.

Upon reflection - ten beers and half a dozen E's - the team has decided that no threat exists from any other team with what amounts to the same driver, car line up.

Has no one been paying attention here. Our training methods are unique and soundly proven in field studies conducted by the CIA in the late fifties. From the people that bought you the Bay of Pigs...

Hey and I don't work for other teams just cause you like the shape of my profile. Next you 'all be poaching Hunter S Thompson. Hands off.

Pamela A Lee...

[marcus]

http://www.karmaracing.homestead.com

KARMA RACING PRESS RELEASE.

"UMM...are we meant to be testing ????"

"On a seroius note...THESE PRETZELS ARE MAKING ME THIRSTY"


The confusion continues.......

[Liz]

Welcome Team Squabble. You are Team 30. We will endeavour to keep your pits at the other end of Pit Road from Team Aggression Maximisation...anybody know where we can employ a good bouncer or so? Sounds as if we may need a few!

[Liz]

PRESS RELEASE: TEAM PENSKE BABE RACING
=============================================

Tuba City, Arizona - It has come to our attention that Aspersions are being Cast on the financial situation of our Founder. The Captain wishes it to be known that any more such talk will be dealt with by large, unsmiling Men in Black.

Meanwhile, back at the Secret Testing Ground, new limits of top end speed are being reached, and the Portuguese lessons continue after hours. Lead pilot de Ferran has been running half-marathons at the insistence of Helga our Trainer; meanwhile Bruno and Helio are getting their trainign running up and down the fences. This competitive spirit bodes well for the season, we belive.

Rumours that we have wrecked all our 2001 cars are exaggerated. It was just the one, and we found all the bits.

Pedro "El Guapo" Morales
Press officer
Team Penske Babe
"We ate all the pies!"

[senna12]

Wescan Racing principals are reporting that panic is beginning to set in at the team, after finding out that ANOTHER team besides ourselves and TAM are running Paul and Michael this year. The team fears the result of spreading these drivers too thin and the fact that it appears we could have three winners this year! So, bearing this in mind, and wishing to remain competitive, the team has requested the permission of our lovely commissioner to release one, both, or all three from their current contracts and attempt to sign new drivers before testing begins in earnest. Besides, our drivers really are not getting along, fighting over who gets to use the latest trick parts, and dates with Caprice on the weekends. The team will anxiously await the ruling of the comissioner before making the aforementioned changes. New drivers have been contacted re; their availability, and the irons are in the fire. Changes can and will be made quickly, if possible!

[gomick]

new team formed from downunder at last minute - drivers were to be scott dixon and jason bright, both formula holden champions and rivals - bright was injured in a freak orange throwing incident with the gorgeous press officer (oh, hang on, the gorgeous press officer is writing this thread)and will be unable to take his place in the team......bright to be replaced by former champ jimmy vasser. news on season sponsor coming up soon.


team name : revcounter racing
sponsor : (yet to be confirmed)
drivers : scott dixon and jimmy vasser
chassis : lola
engine : toyota
press officer : felina
orange boy to press officer : gomick

[Victor Broccoli]

A brand new racing venture from the wonderful state of New Jersey: The Lost Cause

Team principal James Gandolfini, realising that he had roughly 150 dollars in his pants pocket, has decided to field an entry into the 2001 FedEx CART Championship Series.

The poor saps being driven into this operation are as follows:

Drivers:
1st: Alex Zanardi - It's rumoured that he has ties to the waste management business. He's also expressed interests in turning doughnuts over the dead body of Jimmy Hoffa.

2nd: Dario Franchitti - His comment: "What tha fook are yoo tooking aboot? I'm not froom fooking Italy!"

Test/3rd Car: Nicolas Minassian - See what second place in F3000 will get you?

The Lost Cause has also managed to obtain some sort of sponsorship. The main sponsor is the Wendy's of Cranwood, which is quite happy to sponsor in exchange for "a free Quarter Pounder and fries. Also rumoured to sign on as associate sponsors include: Pete's Used Autos, Tony's Pizza, Exxon of Stuvesant Ave. in Edison, and Yahoo!. A Press Release from Yahoo! said: "Well, we needed a tax writeoff, and this will do finely. Anyhow, the thing will still run faster than a Prost."

Chassis: The Lola company has decided to donate the chassis from their award-winning foray into Formula One. However, there needs to be a lot of work that needs to be done, as a few angry factory workers spat upon them, and then proceeded to soak them in kerosene and burn them.

Engine: The choice of engine is Toyota, for the simple fact that it's quite funny listening to the citizens pronounce the company "Toyrota"

Press Officer: Mr. Gandolfini has decided to pick Jersey's most famous citizen to be Press Officer. Among those considered include former U.S. President Woodrow Wilson and recording artist Bon Jovi. A choice between the two took into account the fact that one of the two has been deceased for 80 years. So, to announce The Lost Causes'ses new Press Officer: former U.S. President Woodrow Wilson. He had no comment when asked about his appointment to this new and exciting position.

Pit Babes: There is to be a bevy of women to act as pitbabes. Requirements include a strong accent, overbearing perfume and red lipstick, and enormously large heels. Use of Aquanet (TM) is a plus.

The team is to start testing once the governor shuts down a large enough section of the Parkway. We are pursuing this schedule:
Tuesday: Garden State Parkway (Lincoln Tunnel/Newark)
Wednesday: Garden State Parkway (Newark/Cape May)
Thursday: NJ Turnpike (1W/9E)

[Liz]

Welcome Revcounter Racing and Team Lost Cause.

Permission granted for Wescan Racing to change their driver lineup, so long as they have signed their new crew by March 1, 2001, pursuant to The Rules, Amendment No. 2, Subsection 3, to wit:

All Changes in Pilot, Engine and Chassis for each team must be completed by March 1, 2001. This will enable the Race Commissioner to get the spreadsheets finished before the season starts. Any teams added after the season begins will be permitted no changes in any points paying positions.

Thank You.
[Edited by Liz on 29th January 2001]

[Absalom]

Press Release - Team Squabble

Team Squabble began testing their 01 chassis at Barcelona this morning - Not the racetrack; it was booked by some "Fair-Airy" and "Mack-Learnin'" teams. We're just testing on the roads near the Olympic Stadium until the Polizia show up.

The first chassis looks great...Cut from a 1969 Charger, the team has begun work to remove all the steel and replace it with carbon fibre. In addition, Honda have provided the first of their Mini 4-Stroke engines (the world's first 360-degree inclinable 4-stroke engine) for use in the car. Part-time Aerodynamicist Mark Handford (on loan from Jaguar for 2 hours) comments, "With Renault doing great research with their 110-degree engine, we figured we'd just go to the 360-degree unit and be done with it. Besides, this way the engine will work even if the car flips upside-down on the track! Pretty cool, huh?!?"

Team President Dave "Tiger" Williams is currently checking to see if they have, indeed, contacted the right Mark Handford, or if it's just someone with the same name.

No pit incidents to report, as John "The Hammer" Valentine and Billy "Pit Bull" Butkowsky have been contracted as bodyguards for both drivers (or, as team owner Monty Ponty puts it, "to keep those two idiots from beating the **** out of each other every time they're in the same room."

Rumours that Roger Penske was seen skulking about the pit suite (a rented truck from Hertz) have been flatly denied, and there is no truth to the allegation that he is pursuing Mr. Ponty looking for a handout. Such insinuations by the media will no longer be tolerated.

Richard ("Call me Dick!") Petty
Chief Propagandist,
Team Squabble

"You wanna go?"

[hoffy]

****Press Release*****

Team Hoffspeed has officially suspended testing, due to the 2 for one special at Lulu's emporium of massage. Mr Franchitti has been to reported to have said 'eye, these Gorls certainly handle a mite better then that piece of s..t down at the track. Hey, I hope Ashleigh doesn't here bout this. Hey you, put that bloody mike down before I shove it up your CRnk @$#$@@5 ...........'

[mtpanorama]

Hi Liz,
A very late entry from australia,

Team Gonads.
We have secured the driving talents of
1. Alex Zanardi
2. Nicholas Manassian
3. Scott Dixon (as close as we can get to an aussie)

With the undeniable power of the Toyota powerplant hooked up to the Reynard chassis.

We have worked long and hard with the Australian government to secure the funding for this assult on the 2001 Champ car series and are proud to announce that our team will be supported by the Austalian taxpayers.We have managed to secure funding that was set aside for schools,hospitals and aged care to fund our race team.

Sponsorship on the car will vary from racse meeting to race meeting depending on which part of the country we steel money from at the time.

For the first 5 races of the year the team will be sponsored by PAL dog food, because thats all the pesioners will be able to afford to eat after we halved their pension payments.

The team press officer will be Sir les Patterson and the pit babe will be Dame Edna Everidge (Hello Possums)

Thank you
Paul Hogan
Team Manager
Gonads Racing

[bella]

just died over 'hello possums'.

anyway.
OFFICIAL RELEASE
teamdangerous leadership issues.
it has been announced by team boss and head young whippersnapper bella that teamdangerous will be run by a newly founded organisation named stella international racing. stella international racing (or sir) will be entreing teams for as many fantasy competitions as they can find, with the exception of the fantasy cabinet. we all know the louis the sixteenth mahogany versions were the best. stella international racing (sounding disturbingly like a drag queen) will also support the driving daydreams of team boss bella, and may be seen on a motorway near you soon.

thankyou and goodnight.
teamdangerous
stella international racing
you are the weakest link...goodbye
(nicolas, i didnt mean you...aw, hell.....)