Franklin We Need Your Help!

[Liz]

How are we to stop the carnage of open wheel cars vs. birds, foxes, deer and other assorted suicidally-inclined wild life? Have you any thoughts on bird-catchers or fox-excluders or the like? Are better fences the answer? Shall we roof over the tracks to keep out the birds?

How say you?

[Crash Test]

OK Liz, i put on my Franklin cap, here i go:
Lazers
Fog Horn
Spikes
Replace front wing with a cow catcher.
No need for a roof, just some wire.
(although you way want to keep out flying reindeer, so a roof might have a use after all)
And the "Paul Tracy Booboo bumper bar" -use your imagination, used in cases when he has a problem with baby Mikey, or Mikey could use it himself, being made out of rubber, pit crew bounce striaght off.

[Liz]

Rubber Buggy Bumpers! Like Dodgem Cars! I like it!

How about electronic fencing like you get in the city to keep your dog in the yard? No, I guess the birds and things would have to wear little collars with transponders in them, and if you had to catch them anyway, why not just keep them locked up until the race is over? Birds and things have no constitutional rights to speak of.

[enzo]

Now, Now, Now, Liz. Be careful, or you might give Frankie a persecution complex ! ( Ah, on second thought....)

Maybe we can just build a fleet of his cars & drive them backwards - the prop will just pulverise the flying menaces enough so that only a quick hose job once every lap will clean the mess!

Yeecckk ! Sorry!

[Liz]

EEEEEEW! Besides, you'd get PETA down the track and before you know it they'd be throwing red paint and blood all over your nice racing suit.

Cars with propellers would dry out the track real good wouldn't they? They could have used some of those at Japan as apparently they have no blower trucks.

[Crash Test]

I know i paid attention in that hunting thread a while ago in the GT, and Deer's urine attracted other deers. So from this i can assume other forms of urine, ie human, scare the creatures off. My idea is to get all of the drivers to mark their teritory before the start of each race. A le mans type start, they run over to their cars, and when they are through emptying their bladder they are allowed to go onto the track and race. Not only be a race between racing skills, but it would have a man vs man, ultimate contest.

sorry, im a sick puppy...

[Liz]

Since I hear from my pilote friends that there is always a lineup at the toilets before they get into their cars, perhaps this would solve two problems at once!

Incidentally, that technique works in keeping dogs out of your garden. Well it's a dirty job, but somebody ....

[Hyacinth]

Crash- Great idea! We could call it the

U ltimate
P *ssing
C ontest
O penwheel
C hampionship

[Lizzerd]

Russian cosmonauts have, for years, relieved themselves on the side of the bus that takes them to the launch pad before the enter the rocketship. If CART (or any other series, for that matter) would adopt this traditon, then the deer problem and line at the toilet problem could be both taken care of on the grid.

[Crash Test]

But i guess going against my own suggestion, it would cause a smell, fly and health problem. But what a spectacle? Image the potential of "on board" cameras....gees....cart's tv problems could be taken care of by the adult channel!

[boltz]

I know of 2 people in the IRL who are not equiped for that kind of a start.

Being new here I will not push the boundries of good taste by suggesting any type of fire suit modifications

[Crash Test]

Hi ho there Boltz, well i am going to say what you are thinking (well i hope you are not thinking of this...). why have fire suits at all? Let them wear what ever they want to. If tey want to scare away other wildlife, why don't they wear a bear costume? If they want tolet it all hang loose, they can do that too.

[Liz]

Now this belongs over on the Gravel Trap under the Zany Racing thread! Oh, Crash started that one too didn't he?

Nah, wouldn't work, they'd just say this was one more way to keep girls off the grid.

[boltz]

Actually I was thinking of the flaps and zippers needed for "on-course" draining of the bladder. Maybe a red flannel PJ back flap sort of device.

I hope you are happy crash, I am now branded as a sexist pig.

I really do enjoy racing against women, there is one who used to dust me regularly, and my sister drives as well.

Wife wanted
Must have tow vehicle, trailer and race car.
Please send picture of car.

[enzo]

With this idea of a ****ing contest, it sounds like you've come up with a new meaning for the phrase " stroking it" !
Ok, ok - just shoot me !

[Crash Test]

SSSSSSTTTTTTOOOOOOPPPPPPPPP!!! Yellow card for crash test, that's it, your outta here with Franklin!!!

Very very sorry Boltz, very sorry. But since Franklin is the boss of this place, and he says we can post anything in here....well then i'll be dammed if i don't post anything in here!!!

[Liz]

Now if anybody suggests that Our Paul and Baby Mikey have one of THOSE contests ...

Of course I have always thought it would be interesting to put the seats out on display and make the pilotes stand facing away from us and try to match the bums with the car seats. If nothing else it would give me a chance to make a detailed appraisal of the landscape!

[Green_man4421]

How about not destroy a natural mountain where the birds would have lived peacfully to build a race track and instead? And build a race track in a predestroyed area? Not destroy one for a track?

[Crash Test]

Brett: Do you know what your computer is made of? Plastic amoungst other things. Plastic=evil. Burn your computer immediately!!

Is there one track in the universe which is environmentally friendly? Is there one golf course which is environmentally friendly? is there one football ground which is environmentally friendly?

blah blah....

[Liz]

No, for heaven's sake don't burn plastic - release all those toxins into the atmosphere?

We're trying to keep the birds and stuff from being killed here, Brett. Banning human activity is not in the game plan. J'suis, j'reste, and the birds and things can't fight me and win. So as second choice I would find them a way to be safe from speeding open wheel cars and incidentally keep the pilotes from being killed by animals who can't read signs.

[Crash Test]

Well here comes some more amimal encounters i got from my local track here in Australia, Lakeside, from yesterday's state race meeting....pretty frreaky really...

1. A rather long black snake was on the track, and promptly run over by a race car. Humans 1, animals 0.

2. When walking over the track at the end of Saturday's racing i found a small tortise by the side of the track (the track is called lakeside because it is next to a track....). Anyways i picked it up and took it back to the lake. It wasn't very happy about it and it kicked and bit me for a while. Seems as though it wanted to do some damage to a car...
Hmmm,
Humans 2, animals 0.

3. At the end of the day i went down to have a chat to a driver of an open wheel car, when i found that his car was covered in a red/brown liquid. Turned out that he hit a rabbit going accross the track. It mad a rather large dint in the front wing, and the carcus was found in the air intake, luckily enough it didnt cause an substantial damage.
Humans 2.5, animals .5

Gees motorsport is dangerous....

[This message has been edited by Crash Test (edited 29 May 2000).]

[Liz]

Gee, do you suppose this is the animal version of the Walkabout? Test your, um, rabbithood by going one on one with a race car?

And I think that tortoise better stop reading his own press releases. Or go to the IRL where the cars can't go faster than he can.